I've just been having a rough time lately.
I'm like an overstuffed Tupperware and me trying to close the lid and put one foot in front of the other isn't working so well in the past few days.
This is me attempting to talk that out, to myself.
To begin: My sixteen-year-old stepson chose not to live with us, and the Kentucky judiciary has supported that decision. Months of preparation and legal wrangling resulted to a seven minute conversation in chambers. That was a month ago, June 8th, and the reality of it settles upon me a little more each day. It's all just sadness and anger, and it comes out at inconvenient times for no apparent reason.
Sometime in August, I'll put the kid I swore to love on a plane and send him back to a bad situation because ultimately he chose that over being part of our family. Maybe if I write that sentence a thousand times I'll understand it.
Everyone in my family has accepted the above reality, and I've had a year to get ready for it. Mentally, I have. Our lawyer laid this out as the likely scenario. Mentally, I understand this is likely the best scenario for everyone involved. Part of me is glad that all involved have agreed this "was the last time."
All involved made it clear that I had no standing in any of the above, anyway.
Reality: We're not promised tomorrow. It'd be better if I was glad of the decade I had with him. I could learn from it and pour out into the two children with which I do have standing. It still hurts like hell.
At the same time, a week back in Kentucky reminded me how much I miss it. I've travelled all over the world, and I always enjoyed coming back to Kentucky. In the year I've been here, I've had the "crushing it" mentality: "How are things going?" people would ask.
"CRUSHING IT!" I'd think and give some glowing reviews of Texas and Austin.
Reality: Austin is a traffic nightmare with tons of fake people. I'm cautiously hopeful our move to Georgetown, Texas will help that somewhat.
Work is still great.
Just....I'm tired all the time. I shifted from the stress of the Joey situation to prepping for a move, to moving, to (slowly) setting up house. Whitney has been wonderful throughout, but every day I go to work in a daze. The commute's 50 miles round-trip now, so that's 60-90 minutes on the road each day.
Atop that, deadlines loom.
Reality: Deadlines always loom. I need to take care of myself, or it's going to come out at my family and at work. Yesterday was not a good day at the office.
There's more, but there's no sense in discussing it. We've gotten through much worse, and things are looking up on many fronts