Update: 1 Month in
So I resolved to change part of my regimen about 4 weeks ago. Let's chart the changes.
- I'm "me" again. This is how I remember myself feeling and behaving prior to 2011.
- Coding (once I'm in "flow") is so...much...better. Like "lightbulb coming on" better. I've felt like my mind has been shackled for the past few years, and those fetters seem gone.
- My sense of humor and general perspective is much better. My family genuinely seems to like who I'm being at home.
- I have actual emotions again. As we'll see, that's also a 'con', but the world seems to be in color again, not Black-and-White.
- I can be "present" once again. Fully, wholly, don't-care-what-the-clock says present.
- I've gained like 10 pounds. Yes, in 1 month. I have appetite like a man starving, but yet I'm full.
- I have no idea what time it is, nor can I measure its passage accurately. Like, time dilates into one hyper-focus session and hours can evaporate in what seems like minutes.
- I have an insatiable appetite for caffeine. I'm constantly pounding coffee, espresso drinks, Coke Zero. With enough of it onboard, I can feel normal. Without it, I'm as listless as a drunken manatee.
- It's simple to saturate me with stimuli. I don't have the accompanying anxiety, but I do have the shutdown-effect so common to folks with my brain chemistry. The bar used to be so high, but now it's laughably low. Imagine your kids running towards you squealing when you come through the door and you curling up in a little ball with you hands over your eyes and your thumbs in your ears.
- Dealing with interruptions is hard. Getting back into a "flow" state, especially in our open floorplan offices, is harder since any sort of visual or auditory stimulus can knock me out of flow.
- Emotions...suck. I've had things I'd ordinary slough-off really impact me, almost to the point of breakdown. On the other side of it, I've known real joy and laughter in ways that I just couldn't channel before.
So basically, things aside from work are going great. Things at work requiring me to be a poised, ready-for-anything, tactful, considerate individual are not great.