Funniest Facebook Thread I've Ever Seen

I typically abhor facebook.  It's banal.  It's boring.  And, 20% of the world's population is on there, so--like a bad High School Reunion--you sorta have to be there too.

This thread I'm about to copy/pasta reshare single-handedly changed my perception of FB:

Status:
On cruise shuttle. Entering radio silence. I hope the world can survive without my exciting posts for a few days....

Okay okay, a little self-important, but hey, this is the Twitter/Facebook generation where every meal and waste elimination is comment worthy.  But then....in the comment stream:

I can stand in for ___ if anyone is having withdrawl? "Well, rode the new bike for 48 miles, stopped to get some salmon steaks to grill for the fam... then I replaced all the tile in the downstairs bath because, hey, why not?... buffed out a scratch in the Porsche and rewired the sound system... changed all the door thresholds used to contain the dogs to a titanium blend that I smelted myself in my handyman garage laboratory... had a brewski and watched the game... danced til 2 with the hot, little wifey, and then I aerated the entire back yard with a toothpick, by flashlight.

It gets better:

 Got to the gym early today, so I changed the factory default torque and incline on all the bikes in the spin room - a little modification I like to call "Mounting Everest". And then, after everyone started passing out, I administered CPR, simultaneously, to a half a dozen gym patrons - and then we all went out for a beer. Then I stopped at Sam's and picked up a side of buffalo (on sale) because I had a hankering for homemade buffalo jerky. I strapped it to my back with some bungee cords and rode home on the new bike. Got quite a few admiring looks, not sure if it was for the bike or the meat? Anyway, took me a few hours with a rental backhoe, but I got a smoke pit dug by moonlight, and now we have about a dozen yummy flavors of jerky to feed 500 - which will be just about right for Memorial Day if I smoke a few turkeys and a small goat. Anyway, since I had the backhoe for a few more hours on the rental, I put in a koi pond, with a big blue lighted fountain, in the front yard as a surprise for the wifey and kiddos. Am thinking about changing the slope on the sanitary storm sewer collection basin before I have to turn this puppy back in.

 (By that point, I was laughing on my kitchen floor.  At 5am.)

Well, friends, the cruise was a blast! I ate my weight in carbs on the ship, though, so I jimmied the door to the engine room and rigged up a little cardio-generator from 12 empty St. Pauli Girl kegs and around a thousand twirling, fuschia drink umbrellas. Sure, it looked kind of like a hamster wheel for humans, or a float in a gay pride parade, but it worked great. In my spare time, (that is, between 3-5 am), I disengaged the midship engines and single-footedly kept us humming at 20 knots in rough seas via self-propulsion; not too shabby for an immense sea-going vessel loaded with 5K people. Sadly, the hot, little wifey got a little sunburn on her tender parts, so I whipped up a distillate of coconut oil, champagne and ice cream lipids that was very soothing to the skin - once I got the proportions and viscosity just right. Imagine my delight to find that my fabricated cardio hamster device doubled as the perfect lotion centrifuge. All it took was a coupla Red Bulls and "Eye of the Tiger" in rotation on the ipod and I was good to go.