Pehaps it's learned behavior.
Luke 12:25 says:
5 And which of you by worrying can add a single [a](C)hour to his [b]life’s span? 26 If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters?What does this have to do with 2011, anyway?
I worried alot this year. I worried about myself, my wife, my kids, my parents, my job, my church obligations. And, frankly, I freaked-out. Often. So often, that yesterday and today, I talked myself through "this is usually the part where I freak out," because the triggers were all there. Self-awareness is all that I have sometimes whenever I see fear, rage, selfishness, hate, guilt, jealousy, betrayal, disappointment, anger, etc. building. I finally can see it coming and I believe I can choose something different.
In summary, in 2011, I stopped believing life was fair. The church-y answer there is, "I'm glad life's not fair; it it was fair, I deserve death and Hell." True enough. Still, there's enough cocky Protestant in me to believe that Providence might shine my way. Well, sometimes, that's just not going to happen, at least not in my time, per my expectations.
This is probably blasphemous to quote, but here it is (Luke 22:42)
42 saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this (A)cup from Me; (B)yet not My will, but Yours be done.”God didn't want me to have a motorcycle this year. He didn't want my wife to worry every second I was on one that I was going to die. He didn't want me to have a new car this year. He didn't want strife in my household. That was my will there, through and through.
Things I feel He did want:
- My wife and I to talk and love one another, to be vulnerable.
- Me to be home for my kids' things.
The Good from the year:
- I got a new position at work, exposing me to more and more of how the Software Business really works (or doesn't)
- I got to do a campout with my son in September. I really enjoyed that.
- I got to do a man trip with him earlier in the year to Bowling Green. Great time there, too.
- M started preschool this fall. She's growing up, sociable, never met a stranger (how'd THAT happen?)
- G began walking and talking.
- Bella really has the house looking great--new carpet, new paint, fixes for most of the issues that were driving us batty. Ready to sell (we hope!)
- Bella and I both lost weight.
- I got to attend the No Fluff, Just Stuff conference in Columbus. What a fun time, and mentally challenging.
- I've watched two of my mentees go on to great things, both at our company and outside.
There's plenty of bad. Reams of it. Some of it was my fault, either by commission or omission. Much of it was just the way events unfolded. Mostly, I miss people, people who've moved on to bigger and better things, old friends and support who've moved to other areas of the company. Some friends I just can't have anymore. That's my regret, I guess, exiting this year with more acquaintances and fewer trusted friends.
There's a cynicism brewing within me, a hardness at how selfish and hurtful people can be, how extreme. I'm beginning to expect it. Partway through the year, I began to answer leading questions with, "So, are you looking to screw me?" People move like a rote chess gambit, often.
Technology lets you forget all that nasty wetware and escape to a place of puzzles, logic, and order. Except of course, when it let's you capture your thoughts on the disorder.
May you have a happy beginning to 2012. Christ's peace and blessings be with you all.