I'm cross-wired.

I intuitively perceive what must happen in a situation, yet I delude myself into carrying-on as if I didn't know.

I'm optimistic about people (despite all advice), yet am unsurprised when the worst comes out in them.

The only thing I can reconcile about it is the two sides of my personality, one of which is recent. I grew up a pessimist; selfish, I kept account of people's sins. On the average, people seemed pretty crappy--ruled by their emotions, rationalizing bad choices, hurting others for their own gain. What's there to be optimistic about? Society was one big, entropic system that'd eventually devolve into chaos.

But then I got saved. And I learned about Christianity, and its message of hope, redemption, and grace. "Grace" is something (by definition) undeserved, and it breaks the cycle of hurt, violence, and oppression. So, I turned-in my "BS" meter and just wanted to help people.

:-) So, that's the conflict within me. And, man, it hurts sometimes.

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