My struggle

Tired.
Bored.
Lonely.
Bitter.
Angry.
Helpless.
Controlled.
Concealed.
Afraid.
Aggravated.
Imprisoned.
Obligated.

I really don't have anywhere to hide today. I've ALWAYS had somewhere to hide--work, women, racing, ****, friends, school, academics, video games, chat rooms, reading. That's the comforting thing about being obsessive--you lose yourself in things, easily. You're not YOU when it's uncomfortable to be there. Obsession, fantasy, denial--they all go hand-in-hand. They're my trinity of "not dealing with stuff".

Sure, sometimes reality smacked me in the face, but it was a temporary thing. I could "deal" with it and get back to where all was okay: Inside my head. Life in a bubble? Yep. That bubble led me to screw-over many good people in my life

What I'm trying to do, step by step is just to be real: Stop lying to myself and others, and stop the obsessions that are just escapism. I'd like to be able to sit in a room by myself and just BE, without feeling compelled to seek real or virtual companionship to escape my own thoughts, those ugly feelings I listed at the start of this entry. Likewise, I'd like to sit in a room full of other people and feel like I belong, just as a citizen of humanity. Nowadays, I can take it for so long, and then I have to retreat back to my cloistered mind, my bubble.

There's a window into how I've lived my life since I was about 14. Yikes.

Perhaps my friends have similar (or worse) struggles. In that case I say, "You're not alone." Perhaps they think I'm a raving lunatic.

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