As seems to be the norm these days, it's way too late, and I'm way too awake. Somehow in my last two weeks, I've managed to upset my circadian rhythms so that I'm groggy every day at 2pm, and awake each night very late.
I've always joked that I've lived with sleep debt since my Sophomore year in college (didn't sleep for 7 months straight, really), and the results are there--I can fall asleep easily within a minute of going to bed. Well, up until the last two weeks anyway.
I don't know if it's work, the shortening of the days, anxiety, or what, but something is messing with me.
* * *
Work is, well, work. After my prolonged nap this afternoon (yeah, I know...nap late in afternoon == no sleep that night.), I looked at my finances a bit and realized I have a pretty good thing going. Decent job that's not too demanding. Decent benefits. Overall mediocrity.
The world has, what, 6-7 Billion people in it by now? Given that, how can one individual really expect anything BUT mediocrity? I do, though.
Anyway, I guess what I need is a dose of final disillusionment. You know, that final knockout blow of reality that kills all illusions you had that life isn't what you'd imagined it would be.
Larger question: What DID I imagine life would be?
Larger answer: I didn't.
* * *
The above requires explanation, of course, especially for my Type-A readers. The funniest question I've ever been asked is "Harold, where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
My answer: Alive, I hope. Aside from that, I find all other speculation pointless.
My mind DOES NOT work in terms of planning nebulous things. Had I planned Christopher Columbus's expedition to America, Europe would've been conquered by the Aztecs in 1745. Thus, the large turning-points in my life have been more osmosis than sound and fury. I wouldn't say I'm indecisive; rather, I ignore the question, let alone the decision.
Give me an autocross course to navigate or a piece of software to design and I'm your man. Problem/Solution/Done. Instant gratification. Move the timeline out past some threshold and I'm a Galapagos tortoise on his back--Dead meat.
Examples:
I am getting wise enough to find the above silly. One MUST have plans, and I'm coming to another turning point in my life. So, looms the question: Where do I see myself in 5 years?
So, some goals I'm setting for myself, here and now:
* * *
so, back to the original question: What did (or do) I imagine life to be?
Purposeful. Above all things, that's what I want my life to be. I want my knowledge and accomplishments to mean something to humanity as a whole and to my loved ones in particular. And that's what gets me about my current job and lifestyle--MEANINGLESS. I lead a life that's the poster-child for Nihilism, at least in its current form.
:-) But, I see a road to changing all that. God grant me the courage to go down it.
I've always joked that I've lived with sleep debt since my Sophomore year in college (didn't sleep for 7 months straight, really), and the results are there--I can fall asleep easily within a minute of going to bed. Well, up until the last two weeks anyway.
I don't know if it's work, the shortening of the days, anxiety, or what, but something is messing with me.
* * *
Work is, well, work. After my prolonged nap this afternoon (yeah, I know...nap late in afternoon == no sleep that night.), I looked at my finances a bit and realized I have a pretty good thing going. Decent job that's not too demanding. Decent benefits. Overall mediocrity.
The world has, what, 6-7 Billion people in it by now? Given that, how can one individual really expect anything BUT mediocrity? I do, though.
Anyway, I guess what I need is a dose of final disillusionment. You know, that final knockout blow of reality that kills all illusions you had that life isn't what you'd imagined it would be.
Larger question: What DID I imagine life would be?
Larger answer: I didn't.
* * *
The above requires explanation, of course, especially for my Type-A readers. The funniest question I've ever been asked is "Harold, where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
My answer: Alive, I hope. Aside from that, I find all other speculation pointless.
My mind DOES NOT work in terms of planning nebulous things. Had I planned Christopher Columbus's expedition to America, Europe would've been conquered by the Aztecs in 1745. Thus, the large turning-points in my life have been more osmosis than sound and fury. I wouldn't say I'm indecisive; rather, I ignore the question, let alone the decision.
Give me an autocross course to navigate or a piece of software to design and I'm your man. Problem/Solution/Done. Instant gratification. Move the timeline out past some threshold and I'm a Galapagos tortoise on his back--Dead meat.
Examples:
- "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Let's see...athletically inept. Nearsighted. Shy. Studious. Good with machines. Bit of a primadonna. Was there a CHOICE here? LOL...the only "big dream" I had here was being a pilot, but that was mostly a phase. Also had ideas about photography and music (brief BRIEF dream there), but I do like to eat.
- Choice of college: I visited like 4 schools. I hated the whole application and essay-writing process. I did not self-promote. My ACT scores were good enough for many schools, but I had no definite career in mind (see above), so wherever was fine.
- Choice of job: Networking from school. Started as an hourly co-op in college, then got hired-on full-time upon graduation. Again, not exactly lots of active participation on my part. I literally had someone ask me if I wanted a job while I was doing Calculus homework in Asher Science Center at Georgetown. Doesn't get easier than that.
I am getting wise enough to find the above silly. One MUST have plans, and I'm coming to another turning point in my life. So, looms the question: Where do I see myself in 5 years?
So, some goals I'm setting for myself, here and now:
- Active member of some Protestant congregation. I've never found a church home. Period. It's time I did.
- Active participant in some sport/physical activity. Different ones for different seasons.
- Learning a foreign language/culture. Preferably, something without the Latin alphabet. Ancient Greek, Russian, Chinese, and Japanese all seem attractive. These cultures all think differently than Western Europeans, and I find that fascinating.
- Read constantly. I've done well this year with my resolution to read more, but I find myself slipping back into 'veg in front of TV' mode.
- Family. I want to settle down and have kids of my own.
- Education? This one's up-in-the-air for me right now, as I just don't want more CompSci education. History? Useless, really. Business? Nah, though I find it interesting as a sideline.
* * *
so, back to the original question: What did (or do) I imagine life to be?
Purposeful. Above all things, that's what I want my life to be. I want my knowledge and accomplishments to mean something to humanity as a whole and to my loved ones in particular. And that's what gets me about my current job and lifestyle--MEANINGLESS. I lead a life that's the poster-child for Nihilism, at least in its current form.
:-) But, I see a road to changing all that. God grant me the courage to go down it.
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