Harry's Ruminations

I remember distinctly being in Don Napier's 6th grade Language Arts class in Sebastian Middle School in Jackson, KY and getting one of those writing assignments everyone hates.   Write an essay arguing a position. It was the early days of the Kentucky Education Reform Act in Kentucky.  The Supreme Court of Kentucky (SCOK) had decided that the education system in Kentucky was unconstitutional, that our perennial position just above Mississippi on every aptitude test was not good enough, so out with the old, in with the new. Write More! Went the mandate.  We'll no longer grade you on objective things (neatness, grammar, spelling, content) but on subjective things called a "writing portfolio."  Thus, prompt like the genius nugget above. Let me put it further in context:  I was writing this paper out of sheer boredom.  A blizzard raged outside, an honest-to-God, Minnesota worthy 4-5 feet of snow with drifts.  It was so bad my Dad stayed in our tiny...

The other day, I found myself wallowing a tad, and I cried out to God, simply: "God, please help me." At the time, I was writing in my journal, some pretty negative, emotionally-charged stuff, like: I feel like a failure as a husband. I feel like a failure as a father. My career isn't working out the way I really would like.  I'm certainly duller than I was in 2010, and I feel overwhelmed all the time. I'm not coding regularly anymore. Writing the above, I literally stopped in mid sentence and immediately wrote these words: So, fuck it.  What am I going to DO?  Blah, bah, blah.  I've been here, what, a dozen times before?  What the fuck to do? Here's (part of) what I plan to do. I think it's time to step out of small group leadership. I strongly think going off  Facebook+  again would be healthy.  I'm tired of seeing all the happy people of the world when I'm sad, and at the same time, I'm wasting inordinate amounts of tim...

Few things in this world make me fighting mad.  But then, there's this. http://www.kentucky.com/2012/12/07/2435663/rare-state-takeover-of-school.html This is my hometown.  This where my formative years were spent.   And, because of idiotic graft, nepotism, and malfeasance, this is where my blood relations remain trapped in a cycle of hopelessness compounded by cronyism, intent on keeping power (what pathetic excuse for power it is!) for themselves. Were I Dante, there'd be some Terza Rima regarding Arch Turner and his ilk's future in Hell, but words fail me. WHY ARE THERE NOT RIOTS IN THE STREETS OF JACKSON?! What sort of combination of (Apocryphal, yet apt) "Boiled Frog" syndrome and Stockholm Syndrome exists on the Middle Fork of the Kentucky River that tolerates this?   Yes, I understand a large percentage of people find primary or secondary employment from the school system or the (almost as nepotistic!) District 11 of the Ky DOT.  Everything is political,...

I'm afraid quite a bit.  It's getting on my nerves. I understand I shouldn't  be afraid, both from a Biblical and a rational perspective.  I have been redeemed, and life's never been better.  Nevertheless, that's not really helping me at the moment. I'm going to try and apply something I learned about grief:  You have to grieve.  You can't avoid or deny it, or you will grieve at the most inconvenient time possible.  Likewise, fear seems something you must face and give name to, then you can move past it.  So, here goes. I'm afraid of being alone.  Years of no peers and only cattle to talk to will do that. I'm not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of outliving my wife. I'm afraid of my own carnal nature--my selfishness, laziness, apathy. I'm afraid my ADD will ruin my life, despite my best efforts. I'm afraid of my temper, and what I'm capable of when I'm mad. I'm afraid being abandoned by those I love--wife, kids, f...

http://www.kalzumeus.com/2011/10/28/dont-call-yourself-a-programmer/ Engineers are hired to create business value, not to program things :  Businesses do things for irrational and political reasons all the time (see below), but in the main they converge on doing things which increase revenue or reduce costs.  Status in well-run businesses generally is awarded to people who successfully take credit for doing one of these things.  (That can, but does not necessarily, entail actually doing them.)  The person who has decided to bring on one more engineer is not doing it because they love having a geek around the room, they are doing it because adding the geek allows them to complete a project (or projects) which will add revenue or decrease costs.  Producing beautiful software is not a goal.  Solving complex technical problems is not a goal.  Writing bug-free code is not a goal.  Using sexy programming languages is not a goal.  Add revenue. ...

"For seven years...." "For SEVEN years...." "FOR SEVEN years, Harold...." Just as a child knows when his full given name comes from his flustered parent's mouth, a husband knows when his wife starts naming the time they've been married, he's in trouble. Well, honey, for SEVEN YEARS tomorrow... ...you've stood by me. ...you've watched me break, and grow, and break again. ...you've watched me struggle, and doubt, and blame, and generally resist any form of responsibility or accountability. ...you've watched addictions and off-kilter brain chemistry steal me away from you. And for SEVEN YEARS, you've remained.  And you've loved me, even when that 'love' is telling me no and getting me help and screaming right back at me louder until I'll listen.   You've born me two beautiful girls, both in the most difficult way possible, sacrificing your body's long-term well-bein...

My last 36 hours. In 4-5pm daily meeting on Monday (that's a #win by itself), the manager in charge ejaculates a "well, shit!" in the middle of the meeting.  Turns out a 7am all-managers meeting was scheduled the next day by the CEO.  "That's never good," he noted.  #obviouslynot Tuesday, 6am, I saw this tweet .  It was real, and it was not spectactular; seventeen hundred worldwide jobs evaporated, including 350 in Lexington.  Gory details here . I came into work to a morgue.  First and second line managers were going around talking to individuals and my "talking to" seemed ambiguously in the future.  I checked on a couple guys from church and both seemed  safe, and my small group was praying for my job.  There was the appropriate level of gallows humor, but it just felt different than times we've done this in the past. By ~11am we had an "all building" meeting scheduled in our main conference room downstairs, lead by my boss. ...